It's about 3 a.m. and I can't sleep. I find my thoughts are mostly of her. The day she was born. Our story. The love that surrounded us in the hospital. The precious memories. The heartache. Most of all, the love.
It's been 8 short years that I have been on my birth mother journey on this side of adoption. Before that time I was an adoptee with a closed adoption. I thought I mentally prepared myself pretty good prior to placement. I have always felt in my heart placing her was the right choice for us. But, the human side of me has struggled at times. I struggle because I have to watch her grow up from afar. I struggle for knowing how it could have been. I struggle missing the big and small moments. Yet, I have never regretted my decision. I have been blessed beyond measure ever since.
I was unable to make it to her sealing as an infant so I made a personal goal to be there for another big day in her life. Her baptism day. When someone turns 8 they chose for themself if they want to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Which is next month in the beginning of November for her.
In the midst of my planning in the beginning of September I was looking up flights and I got a phone call from my birth daughters dad, Matt. He was wondering how my flight search was going and wondering what I was up to that night being a friday. I told him I had found a couple good ones and that we were just hanging out at my brothers house for a while. The next thing I know is the front door to their house opened and in came Matt and his family all the way from Utah. I was completely shocked and out of words. I couldn't even cry. It had been over a year that I had seen them all. It was an awesome two week surprise visit. I even got to have them stay at our house for a few days. I got to watch my biological daughter interact and play with my other children and spend time with my parents and siblings. It always feels so complete when they are all in town. I was on cloud nine.
My husband and I are raising 3 young children with one on the way and I am a stay at home mom. I have been saving some money here and there over the last few months for this trip out west. I wanted to take my two older girls with me but it is just too expensive so I just planned on traveling alone. Just as life would have it, end of September my husband's has car trouble and it is his transmission and starting to die. An expensive fix that we were not financially prepared for. After praying about what we needed to do the answer came to me that I needed to use the money that I had been saving all year to go towards the repair of his car instead of using to get out to Utah. I was devastated to be honest. Just because I knew it was the right answer it didn't make it any easier. My family's needs are more important than my wants and I knew it.
This past week I was feeling down about our situation, Talia's birthday was coming up and I knew I wasn't going to be able to be there. I decided to vent to a friend and a FB adoption group that I am a part of because I felt they would get my disappointment. My sweet friend told me I should start like a go fund me account so people could donate if they like to help me get out to Utah for Talia's baptism. I felt silly because I thought those things were for people who had serious needs like help to fund their medical bills or of set an unplanned funeral. Not my mediocre desire to attend my biological daughters baptism. She said something that will always stay with me. She said, let me do this for you. That I needed to allow others the opportunity to bless my life. So I gave in. In less than 3 hours after the account was up I had more than half of our goal raised. I was speechless. At this time I didn't know a single person who donated to my cause. Complete strangers. Angels. Paying it forward. I was completely humbled. Then when I woke up the following morning to my surprise I was over my goal and I had two incredible women offer to pay for my plane tickets out of their pockets. I will be eternally thankful for my friend and all those who are making it possible to be there for her special day.
I immediately dropped to my knees and poured my heart out to the Lord thanking him for this opportunity to see his hand working so closely in my life.
Sometimes I think we all need reminders that we are loved and cared for. Heavenly Father knew my heart and through the generous hearts of others made it possible for me to go on this trip. He is in every detail of our lives. He knows our hearts and wants us to be happy. He is just waiting for us to come to him and let him bless us. I can't wait to be able to pay it forward someday and be an instrument for the Lord to help bless another like I was.
Happy 8th birthday sweet Talia. I love you more than you will ever know. You have saved my life in countless ways. It has been such a joy watching you grow from that 7lb baby to a fun, smart, athletic, social girl. I hope this day will always bring you joy and sweet memories. I know it does for me. I have grown in so many ways because of you. You have taught me so many life lesson in 8 short years about unconditional love, sacrifice, the atonement of Jesus Christ, faith, and so much more. You were born to be great. You have Victory and Badell in you so there is no doubt you will do amazing things. Please know I am always just a phone call away. I can't wait to hear your voice tonight when I call and for you to tell me all about your special day.
Here is to many many more birthdays! <3
