October Blessings

And just like that, my sweet biological daughter is 8 years old today.
It's about 3 a.m. and I can't sleep. I find my thoughts are mostly of her. The day she was born. Our story. The love that surrounded us in the hospital. The precious memories. The heartache. Most of all, the love.

         
It's been 8 short years that I have been on my birth mother journey on this side of adoption. Before that time I was an adoptee with a closed adoption. I thought I mentally prepared myself pretty good prior to placement. I have always felt in my heart placing her was the right choice for us. But, the human side of me has struggled at times. I struggle because I have to watch her grow up from afar. I struggle for knowing how it could have been. I struggle missing the big and small moments. Yet, I have never regretted my decision. I have been blessed beyond measure ever since.
I was unable to make it to her sealing as an infant so I made a personal goal to be there for another big day in her life.  Her baptism day. When someone turns 8 they chose for themself if they want to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Which is next month in the beginning of November for her.
In the midst of my planning in the beginning of September I was looking up flights and I got a phone call from my birth daughters dad, Matt. He was wondering how my flight search was going and wondering what I was up to that night being a friday. I told him I had found a couple good ones and that we were just hanging out at my brothers house for a while. The next thing I know is the front door to their house opened and in came Matt and his family all the way from Utah. I was completely shocked and out of words. I couldn't even cry. It had been over a year that I had seen them all. It was an awesome two week surprise visit. I even got to have them stay at our house for a few days. I got to watch my biological daughter interact and play with my other children and spend time with my parents and siblings. It always feels so complete when they are all in town. I was on cloud nine.

My husband and I are raising 3 young children with one on the way and I am a stay at home mom. I have been saving some money here and there over the last few months for this trip out west. I wanted to take my two older girls with me but it is just too expensive so I just planned on traveling alone. Just as life would have it, end of September my husband's has car trouble and it is his transmission and starting to die. An expensive fix that we were not financially prepared for. After praying about what we needed to do the answer came to me that I needed to use the money that I had been saving all year to go towards the repair of his car instead of using to get out to Utah. I was devastated to be honest. Just because I knew it was the right answer it didn't make it any easier. My family's needs are more important than my wants and I knew it.
This past week I was feeling down about our situation, Talia's birthday was coming up and I knew I wasn't going to be able to be there. I decided to vent to a friend and a FB adoption group that I am a part of because I felt they would get my disappointment.  My sweet friend told me I should start like a go fund me account so people could donate if they like to help me get out to Utah for Talia's baptism.  I felt silly because I thought those things were for people who had serious needs like help to fund their medical bills or of set an unplanned funeral.  Not my mediocre desire to attend my biological daughters baptism.  She said something that will always stay with me. She said, let me do this for you. That I needed to allow others the opportunity to bless my life. So I gave in. In less than 3 hours after the account was up I had more than half of our goal raised. I was speechless.  At this time I didn't know a single person who donated to my cause. Complete strangers. Angels. Paying it forward.  I was completely humbled.  Then when I woke up the following morning to my surprise I was over my goal and I had two incredible women offer to pay for my plane tickets out of their pockets. I will be eternally thankful for my friend and all those who are making it possible to be there for her special day.
I immediately dropped to my knees and poured my heart out to the Lord thanking him for this opportunity to see his hand working so closely in my life.
   

   
 Sometimes I think we all need reminders that we are loved and cared for. Heavenly Father knew my heart and through the generous hearts of others made it possible for me to go on this trip. He is in every detail of our lives. He knows our hearts and wants us to be happy. He is just waiting for us to come to him and let him bless us. I can't wait to be able to pay it forward someday and be an instrument for the Lord to help bless another like I was.

Happy 8th birthday sweet Talia. I love you more than you will ever know. You have saved my life in countless ways. It has been such a joy watching you grow from that 7lb baby to a fun, smart, athletic, social girl. I hope this day will always bring you joy and sweet memories. I know it does for me. I have grown in so many ways because of you. You have taught me so many life lesson in 8 short years about unconditional love, sacrifice, the atonement of Jesus Christ, faith, and so much more. You were born to be great. You have Victory and Badell in you so there is no doubt you will do amazing things. Please know I am always just a phone call away. I can't wait to hear your voice tonight when I call and for you to tell me all about your special day.
Here is to many many more birthdays! <3

Sunshine After the Rain

**Trigger Warning*  Miscarriage/ Infant Loss
I do not write this post for sympathy. Writing is one of the many ways I heal. I share my struggles and the lessons I have learned in hopes to uplift someone else.

In September 2015 the tiny white stick held much more than two pink lines. It held hope, joy and excitement for the future of growing our family. Every time we feel our family is done growing we feel that that is not what the Lord wants for us. I was overjoyed. I would have been due this week.

Yet, shortly after I found out I was expecting it was not meant to be, not this time. I started bleeding and had to go to the ER where they confirmed I was having a miscarriage. All of my hopes and dreams of holding a precious new addition in 9 months were crushed. Even though I was not far along the hope of a baby that would never be was very hard to take in. I couldn't understand how I was able to give birth to 4 amazing healthy children, my first who I placed for adoption then I had a set of full term twins and even a 10 pounder.
Life went on as usual. I had so much to occupy my time and thoughts between raising my 3 children and preparing for our big family move. 

As this Spring approached my heart mended and the end of April brought new hope. I felt surely this time would be different and yet in the back of my mind I told myself not to get too excited. I dreamed of when we would tell our children, watch lovingly at the ultrasound images and learned the sex of our 4th baby. 

As I sat on the the table in the OB office 2 weeks ago waiting for the doctor I knew my worst fears came true. I didn't want it to be true but it was. The pregnancy didn't stick...again.  No answers. No concern. Just that I was young and healthy and that it is completely normal to experience a couple miscarriages. He would know for certain in three days after another blood test.
I am 1 and 4.
As I walked out of that office and saw so many mothers-to-be I couldn't help but feel jealous and sad for myself. So what did I do, I went and bought myself a whole cake. A "pity cake". I just wanted to eat my feelings.  

I felt like a walking zombie during that week, lost and empty. I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I couldn't take enough baths to ease my pain. My sweet husband was beside himself on how to help me. He was just as excited as I was. On top of it all, it was the week of Mother's Day. I felt as though the Lord knew my righteous desire of having another baby and just dismissed it...again. Oh how very wrong I was.
 As with every struggle there is growth and lessons to be learned.

These are the lessons I learned:

I have a family who loves and cares for me. I have a Father in Heaven who knows my heart and loves me beyond my comprehension and he is always with us when we need him. I was reminded by my sweet sister that prayers are answered in a number of ways.
My broken heart was mended by the people in my life. My family and friends. My own children who saw the tears and sadness in my face showed me love and compassion.
My sweet two year old bless his heart, sat in my lap and placed his small hand on my cheek as I cried uncontrollably as I read the negative pregnancy test. 

I was reminded just how blessed I am with 3 healthy, active, beautiful children to nurture and raise right now, who are quite honestly my greatest joy.
I was reminded by my wise dad that Heavenly Father knew long before I did what was going to happen. That it is all in his timing. Not my time but in the Lord's. 

My dearest mom sat with me as I cried and and complained about my heartache. After she listened she did what she does best and we turned to the scriptures for comfort. Oh how I admire her strength.

Most of all I learned that there is always sunshine after the rain, if we just know where to look.

The Phone Call that Changed My Life

Seven months before I made a phone call that changed my life, I placed my daughter for adoption. Seven years ago this week, marks a huge milestone in my life that I thought would never happen. On May 6th 2009 my deepest dreams came true.

I am a birth mother. A title I never thought I would share with my own birth mother.

I was adopted when I was six months old to the most loving family I could ever ask for. When I was 21 and a junior in college I became pregnant. Open adoption was the best choice for my daughter.

I remember it like it was yesterday, it was May 6, 2009. I had an overwhelming feeling that night I should search for my birth mother. In the 80’s there was no option for open adoptions, so all the information I had on my birth parents were what my parents knew as well. Minor details with no real specifics. I had doctors notes, hospital records, and foster home letters all in my baby book that I had seen a thousand times. Yet, on this particular night I spotted two words I have never seen. A Name! Maybe her name! I couldn’t believe it. I was the only one home so I couldn’t ask anyone about it. I am not really sure what I was thinking. I probably wasn’t. I jumped on Google and then the white pages. I typed her name in and was blown away by 13 listings with the same name. I took a deep breath and started to dial the first number on the list. I had nothing to lose. No expectations. On the third ring I thought about chickening out and hanging up, but then he answered. A man with a kind, sweet, southern voice. No turning back now.

“Hello” said the man.

“Hi” I replied.

“What can I do for you?” he asked.

“Could you be related to a Debra Sexton?” I asked timidly.

“Yes, that is my daughters maiden name, how can I help you?” he said simply

In my mind I thought no big deal, it wasn’t her. I took a deep breath and blurted out,

“Well, I think she could be my birth mom”. I said quickly.

I froze and I held my breath,waiting for the negative answer I was sure that was about to follow.

“Well, she did place a baby for adoption a number of years ago. My wife isn’t home right now but she would have all the details. If you leave your name and birthday, I will have her call you back when she gets home from church.”

Before he hung up, he said one last thing and it has always stayed with me. He said “you know, so this means you are talking for your grandfather. I always knew you would find us.” With that and a promise to hear from his wife later he hung up.

Two of the longest hours later I received a call back.

I did it. I found her. I called my grandparents house. I grew up only 45 minutes away from where she grew up.

My grandmother informed me that she just got off the phone with my birth mom and wanted to know when I was available to meet her. 

There it was- no rejection. She actually wanted to see me. As an adoptee reuniting with biological family members there is always a chance that it won’t go the way you are hoping. But for me, that wasn’t the case. On May 9th 2009, which ironically happend to be Birthmother’s Day, I reunited with my birth mother, her amazing husband, my half brother and sister, and my biological grandparents.

A day that I hold very close to my heart. My prayers were answered. I know nothing happens by chance and it was all in the Lord's perfect timing that I found her when I did. I was prepared for that day. 

You see I completely feel that I needed to experience something to cause a change of heart for myself before I found her and I did by placing Talia for adoption. I was truly humbled by that experience and I gained such a deep love and understanding for my birth mom that I did not have before nor I think would I if I had not placed my daughter for adoption. I am eternally grateful for Debbie and her choice.

The Lord was in every detail from the beginning.