Sunshine After the Rain

**Trigger Warning*  Miscarriage/ Infant Loss
I do not write this post for sympathy. Writing is one of the many ways I heal. I share my struggles and the lessons I have learned in hopes to uplift someone else.

In September 2015 the tiny white stick held much more than two pink lines. It held hope, joy and excitement for the future of growing our family. Every time we feel our family is done growing we feel that that is not what the Lord wants for us. I was overjoyed. I would have been due this week.

Yet, shortly after I found out I was expecting it was not meant to be, not this time. I started bleeding and had to go to the ER where they confirmed I was having a miscarriage. All of my hopes and dreams of holding a precious new addition in 9 months were crushed. Even though I was not far along the hope of a baby that would never be was very hard to take in. I couldn't understand how I was able to give birth to 4 amazing healthy children, my first who I placed for adoption then I had a set of full term twins and even a 10 pounder.
Life went on as usual. I had so much to occupy my time and thoughts between raising my 3 children and preparing for our big family move. 

As this Spring approached my heart mended and the end of April brought new hope. I felt surely this time would be different and yet in the back of my mind I told myself not to get too excited. I dreamed of when we would tell our children, watch lovingly at the ultrasound images and learned the sex of our 4th baby. 

As I sat on the the table in the OB office 2 weeks ago waiting for the doctor I knew my worst fears came true. I didn't want it to be true but it was. The pregnancy didn't stick...again.  No answers. No concern. Just that I was young and healthy and that it is completely normal to experience a couple miscarriages. He would know for certain in three days after another blood test.
I am 1 and 4.
As I walked out of that office and saw so many mothers-to-be I couldn't help but feel jealous and sad for myself. So what did I do, I went and bought myself a whole cake. A "pity cake". I just wanted to eat my feelings.  

I felt like a walking zombie during that week, lost and empty. I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I couldn't take enough baths to ease my pain. My sweet husband was beside himself on how to help me. He was just as excited as I was. On top of it all, it was the week of Mother's Day. I felt as though the Lord knew my righteous desire of having another baby and just dismissed it...again. Oh how very wrong I was.
 As with every struggle there is growth and lessons to be learned.

These are the lessons I learned:

I have a family who loves and cares for me. I have a Father in Heaven who knows my heart and loves me beyond my comprehension and he is always with us when we need him. I was reminded by my sweet sister that prayers are answered in a number of ways.
My broken heart was mended by the people in my life. My family and friends. My own children who saw the tears and sadness in my face showed me love and compassion.
My sweet two year old bless his heart, sat in my lap and placed his small hand on my cheek as I cried uncontrollably as I read the negative pregnancy test. 

I was reminded just how blessed I am with 3 healthy, active, beautiful children to nurture and raise right now, who are quite honestly my greatest joy.
I was reminded by my wise dad that Heavenly Father knew long before I did what was going to happen. That it is all in his timing. Not my time but in the Lord's. 

My dearest mom sat with me as I cried and and complained about my heartache. After she listened she did what she does best and we turned to the scriptures for comfort. Oh how I admire her strength.

Most of all I learned that there is always sunshine after the rain, if we just know where to look.